Navigating My Personal Hell

I know this is late. I wanted to make sure I was completely honest and included everything I wanted. It feels more complete now than it would if i had rushed to finish it. Plus I wasn't quite ready to let this Halloween-Samhain season go yet.

I'm not going to start this piece by asking, "What are you scared of?" That's way overdone. Instead I want to share some of the things that scare me. Is this a brave, or stupid thing to do? I don't know. I think my fears would make the most boring haunted house ever.

I'm afraid of falling all the time. I'm afraid loosing control over my body. Thus loosing my independence I'm afraid of becoming overly dependent upon others to the point that they privately resent me. I'm afraid of becoming so consumed by the physical pain that comes with my disability that it holds me hostage and I don't leave my house.

One of the monsters, in my personal house of horrors, that I face on a daily basis is frustration. It comes in the form of a malfunction with my body or my wheelchair. At those times, In my minds eye I would see a potential suitor getting so frustrated over having to take more care of me than I will of him, that he would mortally wound me. Yes, I have a hard time trusting most people. Because of this, I would naturally be suspicious of anyone who got some perverse joy from having to look after me. How does one open up to love after dealing with fear for so long? I almost gave up until I talked with a trusted friend.

Before I found a special person, who makes me feel safe heard and loved, I was afraid of becoming a lonely spinster, always wishing for a love that won't come. I still have trouble believing in long term relationships because no one has ever stayed with me for more than three months at a time, until recently that is I have no frame of reference for having a love stay in my life. that's why I'm so insecure about it.

The second monster that I often face is ignorance. When someone treats me like I don't know what I'm talking about, I take comfort in the fact that The Goddess sees what I'm doing, She hears my struggle She knows how heard I'm working for the life I want and deserve.

These personal phantoms aren't quite as theatrical as a fear of sharks or clowns, but they are indeed 100 times more powerful and more difficult to overcome. My Wicca 101 teacher used to tell us that thought is form. It' was for this reason that I was hesitant to write my fears down in the first place.

At the same time if I were tutoring someone who was experiencing similar anxieties I would tell my students, writing your fears down allows you to gain mastery over them. By controlling or containing them on the page you are exerting power over it, rather than your fears controlling you. Further, if you feel compelled and are in a safe environment, you can burn the writing with your fears on it, releasing it back into the universe where it can do no harm.

Another gifted friend also told me that, in the craft, intent means everything. And so, if your intent is catharsis, then that is indeed what you have done. So my first piece of advice would then be don't worry too much if your thoughts become chaotic or dark. from time to time. Always remember that you are the master of your mind. So take a breath, clear your head, and work your magick.

I think the reason why many people who are challenged in a similar way that I am, love Halloween. This is because instead of us just me being scared all the time, its everyone else's turn. to be scared As our fears are brought to bear in front of us, we are all stronger for the experience. In our new found strength, let's all keep walking with the Goddess.